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 Tell us a joke ; A man walks into a bar.....

Post #81 - 19 Nov 2019, 06:19

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry.
I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf,
so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb.
I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!
We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already.
.. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!' The dentist thought
to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his
tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him,
"Which tooth is it sir?" The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth
Honey, and show him.........
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Post #82 - 17 Dec 2019, 01:28

An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall’s parking lot.

“Lord,” he prayed, “I can’t stand this. If you open space up for me, I swear I’ll give up drinking me whisky, and I promise to go to church every Sunday.”

Suddenly, the clouds parted, and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said, “Never mind, I found one.”
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Post #83 - 19 Dec 2019, 21:00

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL
drinks 10 cents." They look at each other, and then go in, thinking, This, is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the Room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll It be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a Martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced Martinis - shaken, not stirred - and says,

"That'll be 10 Cents each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the40 cents, finish their
martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent Martinis are produced, with the Bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two Martinis and haven't even spent a Dollar yet.

Finally, one of them says, "How can you afford to serve Martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this Place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer - it's All the same"

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their Martinis, they can't help Noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don’t have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the Men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retirees from Australia. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."
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Post #84 - 31 Dec 2019, 21:26

A Kiwi named Connor was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, Connor got into the habit of taking his two animal
companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
lonely Kiwi.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until
Connor took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together
but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most
beautiful woman Connor had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when
he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their
evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, Connor started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought
the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and realizing
he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously
and whispered in her ear,

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
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Post #85 - 03 Jan 2020, 08:19

I knew who bloke who embezzled the pet shop he worked in. He got caught with his hand in the Trill.
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Post #86 - 10 Jan 2020, 05:43

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"
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Post #87 - 12 Jan 2020, 20:46

John and Billy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them. They could only raise the staggering sum of one dollar.
John said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop on Duckworth St. in St.John's and came out with one large sausage.
John said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Billy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of India and two glasses of Newfie Screech.
John said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Billy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers! '
They downed their Drinks. John said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub on George St., John said 'Billy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Billy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which Tavern I lost the sausage in.'
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Post #88 - 12 Jan 2020, 21:10

Mushshrooms » Sun Jan 12, 2020 8:46 pm wrote:John and Billy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them. They could only raise the staggering sum of one dollar.
John said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop on Duckworth St. in St.John's and came out with one large sausage.
John said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Billy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of India and two glasses of Newfie Screech.
John said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Billy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers! '
They downed their Drinks. John said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub on George St., John said 'Billy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Billy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which Tavern I lost the sausage in.'

I'm not one for jokes at the best of times, but this one makes no sense at all.

It's John who has the idea and buys the sausage, yet by the 4th line it's Billy who's leading the plot. Later Billy is the one on his knees, yet it's John you describe whose knees are killing him, again a change in name to the storyline. Baffling.

Mushshrooms warned for total failure as a comedian.

Dan
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