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 Tell us a joke ; A man walks into a bar.....

Post #81 - 19 Nov 2019, 07:19

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry.
I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf,
so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb.
I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!
We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already.
.. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!' The dentist thought
to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his
tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him,
"Which tooth is it sir?" The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth
Honey, and show him.........
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Post #82 - 17 Dec 2019, 02:28

An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall’s parking lot.

“Lord,” he prayed, “I can’t stand this. If you open space up for me, I swear I’ll give up drinking me whisky, and I promise to go to church every Sunday.”

Suddenly, the clouds parted, and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said, “Never mind, I found one.”
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Post #83 - 19 Dec 2019, 22:00

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL
drinks 10 cents." They look at each other, and then go in, thinking, This, is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the Room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll It be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a Martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced Martinis - shaken, not stirred - and says,

"That'll be 10 Cents each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the40 cents, finish their
martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent Martinis are produced, with the Bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two Martinis and haven't even spent a Dollar yet.

Finally, one of them says, "How can you afford to serve Martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this Place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer - it's All the same"

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their Martinis, they can't help Noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don’t have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the Men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retirees from Australia. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."
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Post #84 - 31 Dec 2019, 22:26

A Kiwi named Connor was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, Connor got into the habit of taking his two animal
companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
lonely Kiwi.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until
Connor took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together
but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most
beautiful woman Connor had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when
he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their
evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, Connor started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought
the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and realizing
he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously
and whispered in her ear,

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
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Post #85 - 03 Jan 2020, 09:19

I knew who bloke who embezzled the pet shop he worked in. He got caught with his hand in the Trill.
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Post #86 - 10 Jan 2020, 06:43

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"
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Post #87 - 12 Jan 2020, 21:46

John and Billy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them. They could only raise the staggering sum of one dollar.
John said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop on Duckworth St. in St.John's and came out with one large sausage.
John said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Billy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of India and two glasses of Newfie Screech.
John said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Billy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers! '
They downed their Drinks. John said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub on George St., John said 'Billy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Billy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which Tavern I lost the sausage in.'
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Post #88 - 12 Jan 2020, 22:10

Mushshrooms » Sun Jan 12, 2020 8:46 pm wrote:John and Billy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them. They could only raise the staggering sum of one dollar.
John said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop on Duckworth St. in St.John's and came out with one large sausage.
John said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Billy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of India and two glasses of Newfie Screech.
John said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Billy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers! '
They downed their Drinks. John said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub on George St., John said 'Billy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Billy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which Tavern I lost the sausage in.'

I'm not one for jokes at the best of times, but this one makes no sense at all.

It's John who has the idea and buys the sausage, yet by the 4th line it's Billy who's leading the plot. Later Billy is the one on his knees, yet it's John you describe whose knees are killing him, again a change in name to the storyline. Baffling.

Mushshrooms warned for total failure as a comedian.

Dan
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Post #89 - 15 Feb 2020, 23:29

Random thoughts:
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.

3. When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

4. Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.”
Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”

5. Cop: “Please step out of the car.”
Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.”

6. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

7. I had my patience tested. I’m negative.

8. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.

9. If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

10. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

11. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is the new midnight.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”

16. I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.

17. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

18. I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

19. When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”

20. It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.

21. Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.

22. That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.

23. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

24. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

25. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

26. Dannynomates is a cunt.
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Post #90 - 16 Feb 2020, 00:03

Mushshrooms » Sat Feb 15, 2020 10:29 pm wrote:Random thoughts:
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.

3. When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

4. Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.”
Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”

5. Cop: “Please step out of the car.”
Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.”

6. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

7. I had my patience tested. I’m negative.

8. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.

9. If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

10. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

11. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is the new midnight.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”

16. I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.

17. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

18. I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

19. When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”

20. It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.

21. Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.

22. That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.

23. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

24. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

25. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

26. Dannynomates is a cunt.


Mushshrooms warned for 25 thoughts of complete nonsense.

Dan
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Post #91 - 16 Feb 2020, 01:27

...............and one mere fact!! :grrr: :grrr:
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Post #92 - 17 Feb 2020, 00:46

:clap:

Thanks for the gags - very enjoyable.

And, Danny Dryballs went to a masquerade party...he bought a fake beard, stuck out his tongue and went as a hemorrhoid.
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...Zoom! There goes the gay fuckerteer chasing the tail of light.....

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...Visionary Tics Shivering In The Chest...

Post #93 - 21 Feb 2020, 03:57

A chicken farmer went to a local and sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!''What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating''

This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer!

As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child

and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!

''What a coincidence,' says the man.

'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile,

but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.

''That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?''

I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.
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Post #94 - 03 Mar 2020, 09:14

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting, because they don't smell and are quite silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Please take two of these pills each day, and come back to see me next week."

Next week the old fart returns. "Doctor, she says, I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts - though still silent-stink bad."

The doctor replied, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, lets work on your hearing... "
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Post #95 - 09 Mar 2020, 06:56

Man receives some sms..........
FIRST TEXT MESSAGE

Hi, Max. This is Richard, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face.
When you're not around, I've been shagging your wife, day and night, probably much more than you.
I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great.
I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me.
Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.

Richard

Max, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Richard dead.
He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.
Max then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.

SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi, Max. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text.
I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife."
Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.
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Post #96 - 09 Mar 2020, 07:44

Mushshrooms » Mon Mar 09, 2020 5:56 am wrote:Man receives some sms..........
FIRST TEXT MESSAGE

Hi, Max. This is Richard, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face.
When you're not around, I've been shagging your wife, day and night, probably much more than you.
I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great.
I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me.
Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.

Richard

Max, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Richard dead.
He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.
Max then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.

SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi, Max. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text.
I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife."
Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.

So the neighbour was shagging his wi-fi?

Mushshrooms warned for incomprehensible joke.

Dan
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Post #97 - 10 Mar 2020, 22:28

Here's the biggest joke of all!!
Image

Gives his age as 29!!!
Judging by that hideous photo that was circulating a while back, he wouldn't be a day under 60!!!

:laugh: :laugh: :fu:
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Post #98 - 10 Mar 2020, 22:44

Mushshrooms » Tue Mar 10, 2020 9:28 pm wrote:Here's the biggest joke of all!!
Image

Gives his age as 29!!!
Judging by that hideous photo that was circulating a while back, he wouldn't be a day under 60!!!

:laugh: :laugh: :fu:

Can you direct me to this alleged photo please?

Dan
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Post #99 - 11 Mar 2020, 02:21

^^ If you think I'm going to fall for that, you're dumber than I thought.
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Post #100 - 14 Mar 2020, 08:19

Image
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