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 Tell us a joke ; A man walks into a bar.....

Post #61 - 19 Aug 2019, 23:08

I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets.
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StuckupPercy
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Post #62 - 30 Aug 2019, 02:36

A farmer drives to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocks on the door...

A boy, about 9, opens the door.

"Is your Dad or Mom home?" asks the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stands there for a few minutes, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself.

The young boy finally says, "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. If that’s not why you’re here, I can give Mom or Dad a message."

"Well." The farmer looks extremely uncomfortable. "I need to talk to your Dad about your brother, Howard, getting my daughter, Suzy, pregnant.".

The boy tilts his head to the side and thinks about that for a moment. "You WILL have to talk to my Dad about that.” He decides. “I know he charges $250 for our bulls to service other folks' cows and he charges $150 for our boars to service other folks' sows. I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”

The boy smiles and goes on...

"But I'd be willing to give it a shot for $10..."
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Post #63 - 30 Aug 2019, 10:39

:clap:
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Father Hasil Cocteau, SJ;
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...before you the wimpled past, behind you the hallooing future...

...Zoom! There goes the gay fuckerteer chasing the tail of light.....

...The habitual myth has an eagerness to quit...

Post #64 - 02 Sep 2019, 10:53

Recreate the thrill of winning an argument with your wife by sitting in a library for three days.
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Post #65 - 02 Sep 2019, 22:25

Man goes into a saloon and orders a scotch on the rocks and sits there sipping it. Two other men walk in and sit nearby and start talking about how prices are going up in saloons and the free lunch is a thing of the past. This prompts the original patron to offer this:

- I know of a place where drafts are only a quarter, the beer nuts and Slim Jims are free, and you can go into a back room and have all the sex you want for free!

- That must be a load of malarkey, I've never heard of anything like that.

- It's true and the saloon is right here in the city on the other side of town.

- Bar tender, I think it's cutoff time for our scotch drinking friend here.

- Disbelieve if you wish but it's true. Quarter drafts; free snacks; and all the free sex you want.

- Answer me this one question: Have you ever been there?!?

- No I haven't personally... but my sister has!
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Father Hasil Cocteau, SJ;
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Location: Way back in the hills
...before you the wimpled past, behind you the hallooing future...

...Zoom! There goes the gay fuckerteer chasing the tail of light.....

...The habitual myth has an eagerness to quit...

Post #66 - 03 Sep 2019, 06:10

:clap:
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Circus Monkey
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Post #67 - 08 Sep 2019, 06:08

Image
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Country Bloke
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Post #68 - 26 Sep 2019, 19:39

A young butcher enters a barber shop, and sits next to a nun.
The nun is currently getting her hair done.. meanwhile the butcher is talking dirty shit about how he would like to have sex with the nun

The nun tries to ignore those words, when her hair is finished, she says she cant do such unspeakable things as a nun, an leaves

The barber then tells the butcher: every evening the nun is at the cemetery, praying to God. Just cover yourself with some old bed sheet, tell her you are God and then she will do anything for you

The butcher prepares himself a sheet, cuts in holes for the eyes like those ghost costumes, and hides in the bushes at the cemetery

The nun shows up and is starts with her prayers
The butcher jumps out of the bushes and says: my daughter, I will answer all you prayers, but first, you need to have sex with me

The nun agrees under one condition: it has to be from behind, because she wants to keep her virginity

After they have finished.. the butcher throws off his white sheets.. screaming "haha.. I'm the butcher!!"

The nun throws off her habit triumphantly screaming, "haha.. and I'm the barber!"
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Post #69 - 26 Sep 2019, 21:30

:clap:

Jeez - good one


Regarding nuns: It's OK to kiss them as long as you don't get in the habit.
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Father Hasil Cocteau, SJ;
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Joined: 28th Jul 2019
Location: Way back in the hills
...before you the wimpled past, behind you the hallooing future...

...Zoom! There goes the gay fuckerteer chasing the tail of light.....

...The habitual myth has an eagerness to quit...

Post #70 - 27 Sep 2019, 21:09

Two nuns are asked to help decorate the nunnery by doing some painting.

"We'd love to" says one nun, "but our habits will be ruined if we get paint on them - can we undress?"

"Of course" says Mother Superior, "but lock the door and do not answer it to anyone."

The nuns strip off and get to work. After an hour, there's a loud knock on the door. "Who is it?" asks a nun. "Blind man" comes the reply.

The nuns decide being as the chap won't be able to see them, it'll be ok to let him in. They open the door.

"Thanks ladies," says the man, "Nice tits, where do you want these blinds?"
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Post #71 - 27 Sep 2019, 22:01

:lol: I can even here the drum roll at the end.
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Father Hasil Cocteau, SJ;
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Joined: 28th Jul 2019
Location: Way back in the hills
...before you the wimpled past, behind you the hallooing future...

...Zoom! There goes the gay fuckerteer chasing the tail of light.....

...The habitual myth has an eagerness to quit...

Post #72 - 01 Oct 2019, 09:25

Murphy goes to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezin' mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," says Murphy, and he runs upstairs. Upstairs are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off ya liar!"

"I'll prove it," Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of 'em, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
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Post #73 - 06 Oct 2019, 08:25

A drunk walks out of a bar after closing time and invites two friends up to see
his new apartment. The friends see there is a gong with a rubber mallet against
the bedroom wall and ask why it's there. The drunk replies, "It's not a gong
it's a talking clock, watch." He picks up the mallet and smashes the gong.
From the other side of the wall a voice yells "It's 4AM you idiot!"
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Post #74 - 25 Oct 2019, 11:52

I ordered a Chinese last night. Egg fried rice, chicken chow mein, prawn balls and curry sauce. When I went to collect it, the bloke poured it all straight into a carrier bag. When I asked why he said you cant put Chinese in containers anymore .
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Country Bloke
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Post #75 - 25 Oct 2019, 20:12

^^^ That's a Schrodinger's joke...
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Mushshrooms
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Post #76 - 29 Oct 2019, 08:50

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
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Post #77 - 04 Nov 2019, 00:08

A man and his wife are getting ready for a gala event. The wife gets into her dress and asks her husband,
"Does this make my butt look too big, Derek?"

The husband sighs and says, "Sweetie, do you promise that you won’t get angry, no matter what I say?"

The wife gulps and says, "Of course, Derek, I promise, I won’t get angry."

The husband looks her over from all sides and says, "I slept with your cousin."
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Post #78 - 04 Nov 2019, 08:57

A ship goes out to sea and crashes.
6 people (1 woman and 5 men) survive and use a safety raft to float to this deserted island.
Well, after spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely and sexually deprived.
So they come to this agreement.
All of the men will marry the one woman for a week.
So the first man has her for one week, the second man has her for the second week, and so on.
Everyone will now be getting sex and they all agree to it.

This goes on for five years and everyone is happy.
Each man gets sex every fifth week and the woman gets to have sex whenever she wants with a different man every week.

Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies.
The first week is pretty bad, the second week is still pretty bad, the third week is getting worse, the fourth week things are just bad, real bad, and the fifth week is just awful.
It got so bad on the sixth week that they buried her.
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Post #79 - 07 Nov 2019, 21:35

A heavy-set woman walked into a bar, lifted her arm and pointed at the men sitting at the bar. As she lifted her arm, she revealed a mass of armpit hair. "Which of you gentlemen is going to buy this lady a drink?"

An old drunk at the end of the bar said, "Bartender... give the ballerina a drink." The bartender gave her the drink.

After she downed her drink, again she raised her arm and asked: "Which of you gentlemen is going to buy this lady a drink?"

Again, the old drunk at the end of the bar said: "Bartender... give the ballerina a drink."

She downed the drink and for the third time raised her arm and asked the men who was going to buy her a drink. Again, the old drunk said, "Bartender... give the ballerina a drink."

The bartender said to the old drunk, "Sir, it's none of my business who you buy drinks for, but why do you call her a ballerina?"

The old drunk said, Anyone who can lift their leg that high, must be a ballerina."
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Post #80 - 18 Nov 2019, 08:14

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual sex addict. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die." The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead. His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
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