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 Tell us a joke ; A man walks into a bar.....

Post #41 - 21 Jan 2019, 21:47

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and
lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. He crawled down the
stairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed
paper on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his
mind, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula held by his wife.

“Stay out of those,” she said, “they’re for the funeral.”
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Post #42 - 21 Jan 2019, 22:00

You cunt, mushshrooms. :laugh:
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Hit after hit! Image

Post #43 - 04 Feb 2019, 08:05

Q. What did the pirate say on becoming an octagenarian?

A. Aye, matey
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Country Bloke
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Post #44 - 11 Mar 2019, 18:56

I went to get a Cinese takeaway last night.
I put the bag in the footwell
On the way homeI heard a rustling come from it.
I looked inside and saw a pair of eyes looking out at me.

It was the Peeking duck.
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Country Bloke
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Post #45 - 11 Mar 2019, 23:09

A home invader breaks into a house and finds a couple in the bedroom and holds them at gunpoint.
The owner points to the woman and says, "You have to let her go right now.
You can have all the money and jewelry in the house, you can have my credit card and car keys.
You can even shoot me but you have to let her go right now." The gunman says,
"You must really love your wife."

"Yes and she will be home in 20 minutes."
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Post #46 - 04 Apr 2019, 09:04

A young school girl says, "Mummy, I know where babies come from!"

Mum replies,"Where's that then darling?"

Girl says, "Mummy and Daddy take their clothes off and Daddy's thingy sort of sticks out and Mummy puts it in her mouth and sucks it and that's how you get babies!"

Shaking her head, Mum says "Oh darling that's so sweet, but that's not how we get babies,.......that's how we get flowers, jewellery, clothes, shoes and all the decorating done".
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Post #47 - 08 Apr 2019, 21:40

I used to have a rescue dog that was originally owned by a blacksmith. Didn’t have him long.
He made a bolt for the door.
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Country Bloke
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Post #48 - 09 Apr 2019, 09:14

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde .
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
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Post #49 - 10 Apr 2019, 02:31

JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN.....
I called them up and ordered their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before me a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, I took off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, I finally gave up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, I weighed myself and am delighted to find I lost 10 lbs. as promised.
I called the company and ordered their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most Stunning, beautiful, sexy woman I have ever seen in my life. She is Wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck That reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, I'm out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and I do my best, but no such luck. So for the next Four days, the same routine happens and I'm gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to my delight on the fifth day when I weigh myself, I discover that I have lost another 20 lbs. as promised. So I decide to go for broke and called the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our Most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," I replied, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when I open it I find A huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running Shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you,... you're mine."
I lost 63 pounds that week .
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Post #50 - 10 Apr 2019, 06:10

A stranger walks into a pub. The guys in the public bar aren't very friendly and try as he may he can't engage them in conversation. Eventually he says to one of them, "I've got a very unusual skill, I bet you a fiver if you stick your car key up my arse I can tell what car you drive." This gets everyone's attention so he drops his trousers, bends over, and the first guy inserts his car key up the guy's arse. "That's a Ford Fiesta", he says, "Put your money on the bar.". The astonished punter does so and the next customer has a go. A slight smile crosses the man's face as he says, "Mercedes 190SL, put your money on the bar." He proceeds correctly guess what everyone drives and a big pile of fivers builds up. Finally a mechanic in greasy overalls winks at his mates and gets a spark plug out of his pocket, then proceeds to ram this up the guy's sphincter. A big smile spreads across the guy's face. "I don't know what you drive lad, but that's fucking Champion!"
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World is turning, hope it don't turn away.

Post #51 - 12 Apr 2019, 03:28

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. "I sold SEAS cookies and I made $30" she said
proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic spirit
and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good", said the teacher.

Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I
explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current
events."

"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full
of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough
tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a
Chip & Dip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, 'Hey, this tastes like dog poop!' Then I
would say, "It is dog poop, you wanna buy a toothbrush?

"I used the typical politician's method of giving you some crap: dressing
it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay
to get the bad taste out of your mouth."
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Post #52 - 27 Apr 2019, 18:51

Q. How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

A. Play a blow torch on its head until its bill withers.
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Country Bloke
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Post #53 - 01 May 2019, 11:03

My wife accused me of being a transvestite.

So I packed her things and left.
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Post #54 - 03 Jun 2019, 20:17

There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers' monastery and it was leveled. All fifty brothers were transported to heaven at the one time.

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a group. Now, first question. How many of you have played around with little boys?"

Forty-nine hands went up.

"Right!" said St. Peter. "You forty-nine can go down to Hell. Oh, and take that deaf bastard with you!"
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Post #55 - 04 Jun 2019, 08:23

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring
at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee...

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room.

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the gun in my face and said:
'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

"I would have been released today..!!!"
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Post #56 - 27 Jun 2019, 19:02

A store that sells new husbands has opened in London where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please and are all just want, want, fucking want.

No wonder you are on you own, you deserve to on your own!. NOW FUCK OFF!
.....Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have some money and like a beer and a shag whenever you fancy!

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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Post #57 - 01 Jul 2019, 03:06

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The Doctor asks : "What's the problem?
The woman says : "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says : "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn .
The woman says : "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says : "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
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Post #58 - 09 Jul 2019, 15:51

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My wife replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
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Country Bloke
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Post #59 - 16 Aug 2019, 18:37

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
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Post #60 - 19 Aug 2019, 05:55

I rang Sea World to buy some tickets.
I got a message that said this call may be used for training porpoises.
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