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 Tell us a joke ; A man walks into a bar.....

Post #121 - 09 Apr 2020, 18:23

Father Hasil Cocteau, SJ; » Thu Apr 09, 2020 5:55 pm wrote:If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

Because earmuffs would impair a deaf person's hearing even more than it is already impaired. Whereas many blind people need dark glasses to protect their eyes from harmful sun rays or to hide the unpleasant appearance of their damaged eyes.

Dan
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Post #122 - 09 Apr 2020, 18:30

Thank you.

I thought that there must be a rational answer and you have provided it.

Gratefully yours,
Father Hasil Cocteau, SJ;

(Do you provide this service on an as-needed basis? Can I ask other things that have confounded me? BOQ won't say and the SJ just gives a collective smirk.)
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Post #123 - 09 Apr 2020, 18:37

Father Hasil Cocteau, SJ; » Thu Apr 09, 2020 6:30 pm wrote:Thank you.

I thought that there must be a rational answer and you have provided it.

Gratefully yours,
Father Hasil Cocteau, SJ;

(Do you provide this service on an as-needed basis? Can I ask other things that have confounded me? BOQ won't say and the SJ just gives a collective smirk.)

Any further questions should probably be directed through a dedicated thread - if we have a Questions and Answers thread, that would appear to be the logical choice.

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Post #124 - 21 Apr 2020, 16:44

TEACHER - "Billy, if there were 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1, how many birds are left?"

BILLY - "None, the others would fly away."

TEACHER - "The answer is 4, but I like the way you think."

BILLY - "I have a question for you, Miss. There are 3 women eating ice creams, 1 licking, 1 biting and 1 sucking. Which one is married?"

TEACHER nervously answers, "The one sucking."

BILLY - "The answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."
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Post #125 - 21 Apr 2020, 17:46

:lol:
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...Visionary Tics Shivering In The Chest...

Post #126 - 24 Apr 2020, 07:58

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."
"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
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Post #127 - 24 Apr 2020, 08:55

A Leicester based lawyer went duck hunting in the West Midlands. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer in a Aston Villa shirt, drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing?

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial QCs in England, and a Leicester supporter. If you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take every penny you own so you'll be as skint as an Aston Villa fan should be."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we Aston Villa fans settle disputes in the West Midlands. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.

The Leicester lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart of a Aston Villa fan. Now it's my turn."

The farmer smiled and said, "Nah, it's OK man, I give up. You can have the duck."
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Post #128 - 24 Apr 2020, 08:58

Image
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Hit after hit! Image

Southampton 0-9 LCFC - the biggest ever away victory in the 131-year history of the Football League :lcfc:

Post #129 - 24 Apr 2020, 17:41

He's a fucking big head, that Humpty Dumpty.

What a little cunt, that Tom Thumb.
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Post #130 - 24 Apr 2020, 18:13

Two pubes on a toilet bowl.

First pube - "When are you leaving?"
Second pube - "When I get pissed off."
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Post #131 - 24 Apr 2020, 18:37

Happy Jack » Fri Apr 24, 2020 5:41 pm wrote:He's a fucking big head, that Humpty Dumpty.

What a little cunt, that Tom Thumb.

Happy Jack warned for excessive profanity and unfunny jokes.

Not that I find any jokes funny.

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Post #132 - 19 May 2020, 22:41

A Irishman goes to a bar and orders three beers. The bartender is intrigued.
"Wouldn't it be better," said the bartender, "if I served you one glass at a time, so it stays cold and with a fresh head on top?"
"Nooo," said the Irishman. "One glass for meeself, the other two for me two brothers -- they do dangerous work on oil rigs in distant parts of the world. And When I drink the two extra glasses, they're here with me safe and in good health."
After a couple of weeks of ordering three beers, the Irishman comes in, orders two glasses instead of three, and sips on the first somberly. Worrisome thoughts floods the Bartender's head.
"Forgive the intrusion in your time of sorrow," said the bartender, "but which of your two brothers died while doing his dangerous work?"
"My two brothers are both fine," said the Irishman. "What makes you think one of them is dead?"
"Because you ordered two drinks," explained the bartender, "So I thought surely one of your brothers kicked the bucket."
"Nah, none of that" said the Irishman, "I ordered two drinks because I meeself quit drinking!"
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Post #133 - 21 May 2020, 21:36

phpBB [video]
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Post #134 - 08 Jun 2020, 19:53

AT THE FANCY-DRESS PARTY

Host: What have you come as?

Me: I'm a Harp

Host: But that costume's too small to be a Harp

Me: Are you calling me a Lyre?
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Post #135 - 08 Jun 2020, 20:06

Country Bloke » 13 minutes ago wrote:AT THE FANCY-DRESS PARTY

Host: What have you come as?

Me: I'm a Harp

Host: But that costume's too small to be a Harp

Me: Are you calling me a Lyre?


:lol:
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Post #136 - 08 Jun 2020, 20:08

Its great, my wife is walking 3 miles every day.

She is now 15 miles away.
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Post #137 - 09 Jun 2020, 16:24

A man goes to see his doctor.

The doctor says, 'I'm sorry to tell you, but you are a hypochondriac.'

'Oh no' the man says, 'Not that as well!'
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Post #138 - 10 Jun 2020, 22:07

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
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Post #139 - 30 Jun 2020, 12:16

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this:

somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location."
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Post #140 - 30 Jun 2020, 17:47

Frankie Boyle-

'Internet porn has been great for my son'

'It has taught him to use the mouse with his left hand.'
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