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 Tell us a joke ; A man walks into a bar.....

Post #41 - 21 Jan 2019, 21:47

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and
lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. He crawled down the
stairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed
paper on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his
mind, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula held by his wife.

“Stay out of those,” she said, “they’re for the funeral.”
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Post #42 - 21 Jan 2019, 22:00

You cunt, mushshrooms. :laugh:
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Post #43 - 04 Feb 2019, 08:05

Q. What did the pirate say on becoming an octagenarian?

A. Aye, matey
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Post #44 - 11 Mar 2019, 18:56

I went to get a Cinese takeaway last night.
I put the bag in the footwell
On the way homeI heard a rustling come from it.
I looked inside and saw a pair of eyes looking out at me.

It was the Peeking duck.
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Post #45 - 11 Mar 2019, 23:09

A home invader breaks into a house and finds a couple in the bedroom and holds them at gunpoint.
The owner points to the woman and says, "You have to let her go right now.
You can have all the money and jewelry in the house, you can have my credit card and car keys.
You can even shoot me but you have to let her go right now." The gunman says,
"You must really love your wife."

"Yes and she will be home in 20 minutes."
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Post #46 - 04 Apr 2019, 09:04

A young school girl says, "Mummy, I know where babies come from!"

Mum replies,"Where's that then darling?"

Girl says, "Mummy and Daddy take their clothes off and Daddy's thingy sort of sticks out and Mummy puts it in her mouth and sucks it and that's how you get babies!"

Shaking her head, Mum says "Oh darling that's so sweet, but that's not how we get babies,.......that's how we get flowers, jewellery, clothes, shoes and all the decorating done".
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Post #47 - 08 Apr 2019, 21:40

I used to have a rescue dog that was originally owned by a blacksmith. Didn’t have him long.
He made a bolt for the door.
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Post #48 - 09 Apr 2019, 09:14

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde .
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
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Post #49 - 10 Apr 2019, 02:31

JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN.....
I called them up and ordered their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before me a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, I took off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, I finally gave up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, I weighed myself and am delighted to find I lost 10 lbs. as promised.
I called the company and ordered their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most Stunning, beautiful, sexy woman I have ever seen in my life. She is Wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck That reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, I'm out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and I do my best, but no such luck. So for the next Four days, the same routine happens and I'm gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to my delight on the fifth day when I weigh myself, I discover that I have lost another 20 lbs. as promised. So I decide to go for broke and called the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our Most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," I replied, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when I open it I find A huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running Shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you,... you're mine."
I lost 63 pounds that week .
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Post #50 - 10 Apr 2019, 06:10

A stranger walks into a pub. The guys in the public bar aren't very friendly and try as he may he can't engage them in conversation. Eventually he says to one of them, "I've got a very unusual skill, I bet you a fiver if you stick your car key up my arse I can tell what car you drive." This gets everyone's attention so he drops his trousers, bends over, and the first guy inserts his car key up the guy's arse. "That's a Ford Fiesta", he says, "Put your money on the bar.". The astonished punter does so and the next customer has a go. A slight smile crosses the man's face as he says, "Mercedes 190SL, put your money on the bar." He proceeds correctly guess what everyone drives and a big pile of fivers builds up. Finally a mechanic in greasy overalls winks at his mates and gets a spark plug out of his pocket, then proceeds to ram this up the guy's sphincter. A big smile spreads across the guy's face. "I don't know what you drive lad, but that's fucking Champion!"
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Post #51 - 12 Apr 2019, 03:28

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. "I sold SEAS cookies and I made $30" she said
proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic spirit
and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good", said the teacher.

Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I
explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current
events."

"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full
of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough
tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a
Chip & Dip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, 'Hey, this tastes like dog poop!' Then I
would say, "It is dog poop, you wanna buy a toothbrush?

"I used the typical politician's method of giving you some crap: dressing
it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay
to get the bad taste out of your mouth."
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