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 Tell us a joke ; A man walks into a bar.....

Post #21 - 23 Oct 2018, 20:14

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy ~ "I have a baseball."
Man ~ "That's nice."
Boy ~ "Want to buy it?"
Man ~ "No, thanks."
Boy ~ "My dad's outside."
Man ~ "OK, how much?"
Boy ~ "£200?
Man "OK"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy ~ "Its dark in here."
Man ~ "Yes, it is."
Boy ~ "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy ~ "£500?"
Man ~ "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy ~ "£700"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost."
"I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Fuck off, I'm not falling for that crap again."
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Circus Monkey
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Post #22 - 24 Oct 2018, 19:06

Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky dive, "When I got to the door I couldn't jump so the 6ft 7in black instructor unzips his fly and drops his 14in dick and says if yo don't jump yo gonna get this baby up yo arse!"
Mick asks, "So did you jump?"
Paddy says, "A little, when it first went in!"
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Country Bloke
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Post #23 - 26 Oct 2018, 19:07

A woman drives into a bar...
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A Worthless Man
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Post #24 - 26 Oct 2018, 19:47

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies "I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me" he says.
She responds "Well, let’s see what we can do about that...1) you have to be single and 2) you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK” the nun says “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush but when they get back on the road the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun says “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”
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thesnippedpriestess
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Post #25 - 26 Oct 2018, 20:49

A very loud, unattractive, and mean woman walked into Wal-Mart with
her two kids yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 6. Why the hell would you think they are twins? Are you blind or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the Greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
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Mushshrooms
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Post #26 - 29 Oct 2018, 21:35

I picked up a hitchhiker last night.

He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger and asked, "Thanks, but why would you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

I told him, "The chances of two serial killers being in one car at the same time would be astronomical."
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Mushshrooms
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Post #27 - 29 Oct 2018, 23:03

Just after the wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”

He winked at me and said “I’m off duty in ten minutes, meet me in the car park.”
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SteveInPaignton
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Post #28 - 09 Nov 2018, 21:17

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of
bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs. She finally comes back
up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard ... let's see how THEY like it!
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Mushshrooms
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Post #29 - 13 Nov 2018, 21:06

An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, “How do you stay in such great physical condition?”
"I’m Italian and I am a golfer,” says the old guy,” and that’s why I’m in such good shape.
I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. Have a glass of vino, and all is well.”
“Well,” says the doctor, “I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it.
How old was your Dad when he died?” ”Who said my Dad’s dead?” The doctor is amazed.
“You mean you’re 80 years old and your Dad’s still alive. How old is he?” “He’s 100 years old,” says the old Italian golfer.
“In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, that’s why he’s still alive… he’s Italian and he’s a golfer too.”
“Well,” the doctor says, “that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that.
How about your Dad’s Dad? How old was he when he died?” ”Who said my grandpa’s dead?”
Stunned, the doctor asks, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living! Incredible, how old is he?”
“He’s 118 years old,” says the old Italian golfer. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point,
“So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?” “No. Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.”
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. “Getting married! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?”
”Who said he wanted to?”
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Mushshrooms
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Post #30 - 13 Nov 2018, 21:30

Three blokes were working on a high rise building project, Macca, Chook and Simmo.
Chook falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Simmo says,"Someone should go and tell his wife."
Macca says, "OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, Macca comes back carrying a slab of VB. Simmo says,"Where did you get that, Macca?"
"Chook's missus gave it to me." "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Macca says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Chook`s widow."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "Wanna bet me a slab"
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Country Bloke
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Post #31 - 17 Nov 2018, 22:21

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Country Bloke
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Post #32 - 28 Nov 2018, 20:40

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Country Bloke
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Post #33 - 05 Dec 2018, 21:03

How many animals can you fit into a pair of tights?


Two calves, an ass, a beaver, a load of hares, a camel toe and a fish no one can find.
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Butch Cassady
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Post #34 - 06 Dec 2018, 07:19

Bill Gates has bought an old girlfriend a present for Christmas. It's an ex-box.
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Country Bloke
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Post #35 - 08 Dec 2018, 22:53

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Country Bloke
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