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 Tell us a joke ; A man walks into a bar.....

Post #1 - 09 Sep 2018, 18:31

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StickupPercy
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Post #2 - 09 Sep 2018, 20:09

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Circus Monkey
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Post #3 - 09 Sep 2018, 20:29

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Mr. Martial
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Post #5 - 11 Sep 2018, 20:03

^^^ Don't give up the day job dannynomates.


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StickupPercy
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Post #6 - 11 Sep 2018, 20:16

Wacky Aussie cartoonists. :)

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Divveygoodmod
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Post #7 - 12 Sep 2018, 07:23

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Thank God we don't get stuff like that over here.
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smegma2
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Poncey Elitist.

Post #8 - 18 Sep 2018, 21:01

This guy talks out of his fucking ass, good job he died before we became great again. :grrr:

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Dr Ron Jock
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Making America great again.

Post #9 - 26 Sep 2018, 19:33

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DJLash
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Post #10 - 30 Sep 2018, 10:19

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.....
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'
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Country Bloke
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Post #11 - 30 Sep 2018, 11:46

There were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far.
These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party.
They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points.
Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy... then they turned the page. On the second page was written...

For 95 points: Which Tire? _________
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Mushshrooms
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Post #12 - 02 Oct 2018, 10:12

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Irishman answered his door to find two grim-faced constables.

“We’re sorry, Mr. O’Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen,” said one of the officers.

“Tell me! Did you find her?” O’Flynn asked.

The constables looked at each other and one said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, Patrick said, “Give me the bad news first.”

The constable said, “I’m really sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife’s body in the bay.”

“Lord sufferin’ Jesus and Holy Mother of God!” exclaimed O’Flynn. Swallowing hard, he then asked, “What could possibly be the good news

The constable continued, “When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven’t seen lobsters like that since the 1960’s, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch.”

Stunned, O’ Flynn demanded, “Glory be to God, if that’s the good news, then what’s the really great news?”

The constable replied, “We’re gonna pull her up again tomorrow.”
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Mushshrooms
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Post #13 - 02 Oct 2018, 21:50

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside,
"Guido, I wanna' you lissina me. I wanna' you take-a my chrome plated
.38 revolver so you will always-a remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your
Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you
gonna have a beautiful-a wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a
couple-a bambinos."

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa you watch and say, 'times up' "?
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Mushshrooms
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Post #14 - 02 Oct 2018, 21:52

An angry Alabama pastor addresses his congregation, "Someone in our church has started a terrible rumor that I'm a member of the KKK. This has both my loving wife and I very upset. I would like the person responsible to stand up and tell me why they said this." Nobody stands up so the pastor goes on, "Why would someone say such a horrible thing about me? My dear wife and I are the subject of terrible gossip. Please stand and confront me." No one stands again but after a few moments a very attractive woman stands and says,

"I'm afraid there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I simply told two friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
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Mushshrooms
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Post #15 - 03 Oct 2018, 14:39

A smartarse told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut in his face.


Got approached by a prostitute today who said that she would do anything for a tenner. Guess who just got their car washed?


Wife: Can I have £10,000 to get some breast implants to make them bigger.
Husband: Why don’t you just rub toilet paper on them?
Wife: Does that really work?
Husband: Well it seems to have worked on your arse.
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Country Bloke
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Post #16 - 05 Oct 2018, 19:58

An 80yr old couple were seen shagging furiously up against a fence. For 40 mins they were at it, arms and legs going everywhere until they fell to the floor. "Christ" she said “you didn't fuck me like that 50yrs ago!" The old man replied “50 yrs ago that fence wasn't fucking electric!
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Circus Monkey
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Post #17 - 06 Oct 2018, 01:13

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
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Mushshrooms
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Post #18 - 06 Oct 2018, 01:17

My wife and I went to the county Ag Show and one the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went to the 1st pen the there was a sign that stated, "This Bull Mated 50 Times Last Year".

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled, and said, " He mated 50 times last year. That's almost once a week."

We walked on to the 2nd pen which had a sign that stated, "This Bull Mated 150 Times Last Year".

My wife gave me a hard jab in the ribs and said, "Wow! That's almost 3 times a week. You could learn a lot from him!"

We walked on to the 3rd pen which had a sign that stated, "This Bull Mated 365 Times Last Year".

My wife's elbow nearly broke my ribs and she said, "Wow! That's once a day! You could REALLY learn a lot from this one!"

I looked at her and replied, "Go over and ask him if it was the same cow."
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Mushshrooms
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Post #19 - 10 Oct 2018, 07:13

A man walks into a bar dressed as a tennis ball. He gets served straight away.
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Country Bloke
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Post #20 - 21 Oct 2018, 11:47

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.
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Country Bloke
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